Is this sentence good for my story?

Lily and Kai were born in crystal blue waters in the south sea.

Is this sentence good for my story?
I think it would sound better as: "Lily and Kai were born in the Crystal Blue Waters, within the South Sea."

:))
Reply:its... okay if you added a bit more detail then I would have said it's great etc.
Reply:Honey, how many times have we told you? Write your own story! You don't need anyone else to approve it, or give each little detail the okay.

A good story isn't about having each little detail exactly a certain way - it's about how everything comes together.



Go lock yourself in a room, write the entire story without any advice or help from anyone, and THEN ask for opinions. Don't be afraid to write the "wrong" thing - just write it, and love it for what it is.
Reply:Pretty good. Sounds like something out of a fantasy tale. I hope that's not your opening line, though. You want to have your reader hooked by the end of the first page and they might not go for something that opens like this.
Reply:I would only make two small changes. I just capitalized them.





"Lily and Kai were born in THE crystal blue waters OF the south sea."
Reply:Its an okay start. But remember... you can ALWAYS make your sentences better, no matter what. Just add more detail and change around some words. When I want to make a sentence better, I do this:



*Write original sentence here.*

1. Alternative

2. Alternative

3. Alternative



Now read all four sentences and decide which you like best and also ask friends and family!



Hope this helps and good luck!
Reply:I would change 'south sea' to "South Sea". Also you say "in" twice and very close together. It might flow better if you took one of them out and changed it to something else.



Maybe... "Lily and Kai were born in crystal blue waters of the South Sea."



Very interesting sentence... makes me want to read the rest :)
Reply:yes it sounds good.
Reply:Were they actually born in the water? if so, I would say "of the south sea" I think it sould be capitalized also. It is a place.
Reply:It sounds fine to me, assuming that south sea is not a place name. Although "the crystal blue..." would work, too.