Friday, January 27, 2012

Please read my story. I need opinions on it. It's long I know but please let me know if you like it.STAR IT

Chapter Three: Flash Memories.



The lights in the bathroom were dim and the tub was filling up with water. I took a look around the room and came across a bottle of bubble bath solution near the sink. There were a stack of towels on the towel rack above the toilet. I grabbed a white towel and tossed it onto the shower curtain. I picked the bottle and squirted some solution into the running water, creating a large lump of foam. While the tub was filling up, I look off my clothes and tossed them aside. By the time the tub was already half full, I twisted the faucet and took a dip into the lukewarm water. After a few minutes, I felt at peace. Squishing the thick foam felt like mashed potatoes. I took a second look around the room. The magenta walls and the dim light made nearly everything else appear the same color. The smell of chamomile swept me from reality. I was right about the bath. It really was a nice place to relax and think.



I submerged myself into the warm water and closed my eyes. The first thought I had was about the city of Grendel. The picture that came into my mind was the newspaper article that I have read earlier this morning. The mugshot of the girl resembled me and according to the article itself, I was wanted for something, but for what? What was it like in Grendel? Will I find some clue to my past? Will I ever find my parents? Should I go to Grendel? A part of me began to completely shut down.



I was no longer underwater. The sky was dark and the moon was half circular. A man stood in front of me, and he seemed to be waiting for me. The man did not smile. He had long red hair that was pulled back and braided.



“Come at me as if you’re going to kill me.” he said.



I nodded. I charged at him with great speed ready to attack, but he grabbed my hair the moment I was close enough to do so.



"Pathetic" He said and tossed me aside. "Try again"



I got back on my feet and panted. The man gave me a dirty look, he expected me to do a better job at whatever I was doing. I charged at him once more, and once again he pushed me aside.



"You're weak" he said, "I don't see the dark emotions in your eyes. All I see from you is love and affection. Do you love me Lily?"



"I do Master." I said and smiled at him.



"Get rid of it." he said. "I have told you several times. I don't love you back. I couldn’t care less about you. When are you ever going to get rid of this weak emotion?”



"I don't know Master." I whispered.



"What have I told you about that?"



"Love no one but you" Despite what he said, I still showed affection for him. "Because no one will love you back.”



"Good. Now, what are you to me?"



"Nothing more than your servant." I said. "Nothing more than your weapon and tool whose purpose is to do as Master sees fit."



"Good girl." said Master. "Let's go home"



I got up and followed him out of the meadow. The moment I held his hand, he snatched it away and gave me another dirty look.



“Master…” I whispered, but he ignored me.



“Master, why don’t you love?”



Master stopped walking and looked down at me. He seemed annoyed when he heard me ask that.

Please read my story. I need opinions on it. It's long I know but please let me know if you like it.STAR IT
Blue, I've watched you work on this at another site, yet I see you are not absorbing the excellent advice you have received there. You HAVE to learn to punctuate dialogue correctly, for instance. You have it wrong every single time but one. I read your insistence that you can write with excellent grammar, but you have not done that here.



When and if you submit your work to a potential agent or publisher, they won't read far enough to see whether you create vivid characters or tell a good story. They will see passive verbs in the first sentence, wordiness in the second, subject-verb disagreement in the third, and continue to spot errors until they place your manuscript in the Reject pile. I doubt they'd even reach the dialogue in this case.



I realize you face challenges, but the reader doesn't care what you went through to create a story, if it's not written well.



I'm aware that you would rather receive praise for what you did right, but in the face of so much done wrong, I can't honestly give it. Please spend the time to learn dialogue basics and make sure you're doing it right.
Reply:I liked it and I want to read more ; you do need to give it that finished polish that comes later when you edit yourself - and , sure , I'll give you that star because you and your story deserve it .
Reply:I like your use of imagery, I can almost see everything you describe. But... I wish you wouldnt try so hard like "squirted some solution," just let it flow together, if you try hard it shows. You have the potential. :]


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