Please rate my story? Please rate 1-10.?

Chapter Three: Flash Memories.



The lights in the bathroom were dim and the tub was filling up with water. I took a look around the room and came across a bottle of bubble bath solution near the sink. There were a stack of towels on the towel rack above the toilet. I grabbed a white towel and tossed it onto the shower curtain. I picked the bottle and squirted some solution into the running water, creating a large lump of foam. While the tub was filling up, I look off my clothes and tossed them aside. By the time the tub was already half full, I twisted the faucet and took a dip into the lukewarm water. After a few minutes, I felt at peace. Squishing the thick foam felt like mashed potatoes. I took a second look around the room. The magenta walls and the dim light made nearly everything else appear the same color. The smell of chamomile swept me from reality. I was right about the bath. It really was a nice place to relax and think.



I submerged myself into the warm water and closed my eyes. The first thought I had was about the city of Grendel. The picture that came into my mind was the newspaper article that I have read earlier this morning. The mugshot of the girl resembled me and according to the article itself, I was wanted for something, but for what? What was it like in Grendel? Will I find some clue to my past? Will I ever find my parents? Should I go to Grendel? A part of me began to completely shut down.



I was no longer underwater. The sky was dark and the moon was half circular. A man stood in front of me, and he seemed to be waiting for me. The man did not smile. He had long red hair that was pulled back and braided.



“Come at me as if you’re going to kill me.” he said.



I nodded. I charged at him with great speed ready to attack, but he grabbed my hair the moment I was close enough to do so.



"Pathetic" He said and tossed me aside. "Try again"



I got back on my feet and panted. The man gave me a dirty look, he expected me to do a better job at whatever I was doing. I charged at him once more, and once again he pushed me aside.



"You're weak" he said, "I don't see the dark emotions in your eyes. All I see from you is love and affection. Do you love me Lily?"



"I do Master." I said and smiled at him.



"Get rid of it." he said. "I have told you several times. I don't love you back. I couldn’t care less about you. When are you ever going to get rid of this weak emotion?”



"I don't know Master." I whispered.



"What have I told you about that?"



"Love no one but you" Despite what he said, I still showed affection for him. "Because no one will love you back.”



"Good. Now, what are you to me?"



"Nothing more than your servant." I said. "Nothing more than your weapon and tool whose purpose is to do as Master sees fit."



"Good girl." said Master. "Let's go home"



I got up and followed him out of the meadow. The moment I held his hand, he snatched it away and gave me another dirty look.



“Master…” I whispered, but he ignored me.



“Master, why don’t you love?”



Master stopped walking and looked down at me. He seemed annoyed when he heard me ask that.



* 41 minutes ago

* - 1 week left to answer.



Additional Details



40 minutes ago

IF YOU LIKE THE STORY PLEASE GIVE IT A STAR SO YOUR FRIENDS CAN READ IT TOO.



I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU LIKE IT, IF YOU DO PELASE TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT IT.



PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, AND TELL ME HOW THIS STORY CAN GET BETTER.



24 minutes ago

THE MASTER'S NAME IS PAUL, AND THE LITTLE GIRL'S NAME IS LILY. THIS IS ACTUALLY A FLASHBACK. PLEASE DON'T THINK OF THIS AS ANYTHING INNAPROPRIATE. THE GIRL IN THE FLASH BACK IS SIX YEARS OLD AND SHE HAS BEEN BESTOWED WITH PSYCHIC ABILITIES. AND PAUL WANTS TO USE HER FOR EVIL.





THIS ISN'T THE WHOLE STORY. IF YOU LIKE IT PLEASE EITHER SEND ME AN EMAIL OR POST YOUR REMAIL ADRESS HERE IF YOU WANT TO READ THE WHOLE THING.



36 minutes ago

PLEASE NOT THAT THIS IS NOT RAPE. THE CHILD LOVES HER MASTER LIKE A DAD. HE RAISED HER

Please rate my story? Please rate 1-10.?
two. It seems very derivative and cliched.
Reply:I really liked this story. It was eerie, yet very interesting. I could see this story beeing much longer. I think you're on the right track. I'd read more if there was more of it. This is the kind of suspense I like to read.

Thank you.
Reply:I was interested. I think I'd give it a 6 at this moment, some of the suggestions you received are good ones. Lily's age is important. If her master is trying to train her for his own purposes he might be more devious and encourage her love even if he did not return it. If his emotional connection with Lily was a little more ambiguous her ultimate betrayal would have more power. Right now I know he's using her.

Keep writing, you've got something there.
Reply:I'll give your story a 'seven.'

I was interested; there were just a couple of things that seemed familiar. Magenta-colored walls, for one (and I'm not sure why, but there it is).

Also, as far as the bathroom scene goes, it would be good to know how old the young lady is in that scene, so we know what she means when she says "the girl" in the wanted poster resembled her... so we know about how old she is.

And that tub takes a long time to fill half-way.





Then, when the young woman has a flash-back to being six years old, you can write something along the lines of "...it was ____ number of years ago, and the moon..." --like that. It's a good clue for the reader.



I did get a clue that the young woman was psychic, because she was suddenly so fully in that memory. It would have been more interesting still to picture a little girl of six fighting a man of ___ yrs.? instead of the young woman I pictured. (More on that below)



And the name of the town-- Grendel. Are you sure you want to go with that? It sure is a loaded name. Perhaps if you added a syllable here or there, a reader would still get the allusion to Grendel the monster, but also be able to more easily picture a town.



And how is it training for a psychic power if the little girl rushes at her "master" over and over? That sounds much more physical to me. Perhaps you might give at least one attempt which shows that psychic touch by having something happen without any physical stuff.



That's all from this corner; hope it was helpful. I think you could have a lot of fun writing this, and hope you continue--

Luck...
Reply:10000000000000000000!!!



email is bleumonkey93 of course at yahoo
Reply:intersting....eerie......luved it.....so i guess it's a 10....... :)